Stones and Stars
by Nanaille
Summary: Hikaru never met Akira, and never became a Go pro. Life, however, brings him again toward Go, many years after Sai disappearance.


A/N : Loosely inspired by Hikaru no ramen, by Sakiku.

* * *

The door bell rang. Hikaru raised his head, and let the pile of books stuffing his hands fall heavily on the desk. He went to the door and opened it slightly.

"Hey, Akari." His lips formed a small, yet true smile to greet his childhood friend.

"Hikaru." Her entire face was alight with the genuine pleasure to see him. "Can I come in?"

"Sure, come in. Make yourself at home" He left the door ajar and headed back to the living room. His bare feet made no sounds against the soft carpeting. "Sorry for the mess. I can't see the end of all these damn boxes." He kicked an empty one out of his way and slumped heavily on his couch with a weary sigh. "I hate moving."

Akari stepped lightly into his new apartment, throwing curious glances all over the place. "It's pretty decent for something you found in less than a week, I think. Do you need help to unpack your things?"

Hikaru shook his head. "No, it's fine, most of them will remain in a corner." He got up with a tired sigh and made his way toward the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink?"

He put water on to boil, then tugged open the slats of the venetian blinds, allowing rays of sunlight to filter in, highlighting the touches of bright green decorating the room. The apartment had colours everywhere, and this was the reason he had chosen it, along with its sunny exposure. He opened a cupboard "I have some cookies too, If you want."

"Anything's fine," came the distant reply. He assumed Akari went to see the bedroom. Putting some water to boil, he disposed the cookies on a plate and walked back to the main room. "Don't look too closely at my underwear."

Akari laughed lightly while stepping back in the living room, "Please, it has lost all the mystery the thing could have since I'm doing the laundry for my boyfriend." Smiling, she slowed to peer out past the window. Her face was devoid of shadows, and it wasn't because she was standing in sunlight. He knew she was worried for him, but it couldn't be anything like the dark, cold anxiety that remained stuck in the middle of his heart, spoiling any moment of joy or pleasure he could snatch.

"Are you all right?" She was looking at him now, her brows furrowed. Shrugging, he sipped his tea. The flavour and the heat were soothing, and had the taste of lost, happier times.

Akari sat down quietly, grabbing a mug of the warm beverage, her gestures slow and careful. She seemed to be at a loss of words. Hikaru preferred it to be this way. He knew she really cared, but she couldn't really grasp how he was feeling these days.

"I'm glad you came back, Hikaru. I missed you all these years."

He let out a small smile and replied: "I'm glad too, but I have so many things to do that it's a bit discouraging." Waving his hand vaguely, he continued: "Finding a job, for instance."

"Ah yes, about that, Hikaru," she put her mug down on one of her knees. "Where I work, they're looking for a reporter. I spoke about you and they're interested by your background. They want someone reasonably good with a camera and with the english language. Having a good grasp of the game is a big plus." Her tone was cautious, like she was afraid to step over her boundaries. Hikaru stared at her, before diverting his gaze thoughtfully.

She was a graphic artist working for the Go Weekly, a specialized newspaper related to the game of Go. While he was abroad, they had continued to write to each other. She had even visited him once in Australia. Their childhood friendship bonds had remained strong over the years, and Hikaru had enough humility to recognize that it was mostly due to her constant, faithful efforts.

Go...This sounded so distant. He hadn't thought deeply about the game for almost two years, doing his best to avoid the inevitable pain going along with it. The old, familiar feeling of loss whispered in his mind. But somehow, its cutting edges seemed to have been blunted, probably by his current worries. Another feeling stirred at the bottom of his heart, unnamed, but it bore the faint flavour of wonder. Maybe it was time to confront old ghosts?

"It could be interesting..."

o][o

Applying had been a quiet and quick affair. After calling, the director had given him an appointment, where he had been told to expose the extent of his knowledge and savoir-faire. His journalism degree, along with the two years he had spent abroad seemed to please the director. The man had called one of his employee, a middle-aged reporter named Amano Kazuki, to ask him specific questions about Go and people related to it.

He must have fared well, because they had wanted him to begin the week after. And here he was, a bit nervous, in front of the building. Gold and rusty leaves whirled on his path, murmuring along the wind. Shivering, he raised his collar while looking at the building. He had told Akari he would go alone for his first day, and she had nodded without question, being the ever understanding friend she was.

Taking a deep breath, he went inside and reached the second floor, where an inconspicuous door with a discreet tag on it told him he had come to the right place. He rasped his knuckles in a perfunctory knock before entering, knowing no one would take the time to open the door for him.

The place was in busy disarray, with desks scattered everywhere without very much thoughts about organization. The magazine was small enough for not having to resort to ultra specialized employees, hence the obvious lack of departments. Hikaru was glad that they were looking for versatile people; it would make his job more interesting and diversified.

The young reporter spotted Akari across the room, near a huge window, in deep conversation with Amano-san. They seemed at ease with each other, and this fact alone said a lot about the man. He had seemed rather kind and respectful to Hikaru within the short span they had talked to each other, but it could have been merely a façade. Akari wouldn't be so relaxed if he was someone to be wary of.

The woman seemed to have put the door under surveillance because she spotted him immediately. She waved a welcoming hand and walked toward Hikaru with a sunny smile splitting her face.

"Hikaru! Here you are! Come on, I'll introduce you to the team!" Her voice covered the noise and everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to look at Hikaru.

Feeling suddenly self-conscious, the young man bowed and saluted until Akari reached him. She grabbed his arm and began touring every desk, presenting him. Hikaru felt a migraine slowly building behind his eyes while trying to commit to memory every names and functions and keeping his smile all along. Everyone seemed reasonably friendly and welcoming, and Hikaru sensed a small part of his anxiety drain away.

Finally, she stopped in the part of the office where there were more computers, far from the huge bay window. "Here's my desk. As you can see, I have two huge, fabulous screens to work with. This part of the open plan is more dedicated to us, techno geeks and generally young people." With an impish smile, she added, "Old men need natural light to see clearly, that's why they gather like moths near the window."

She turned toward a young woman, maybe in her late twenties, with a pretty heart-shaped face framed by a pixy haircut matching the mischievous glint inhabiting her eyes. She made quite a pair with Akari. She rose from her seat at their approach and bowed quickly her head with a smile.

"And this is Ueno Miki, our internet specialist. She's charged with the task to put some of our articles online, and since the director wants an English version of our website, you'll get to work together pretty soon."

"It's a pleasure," said Hikaru while bowing in response.

"She's an active member on few online Go communities to fish out crusty rumours about famous players. The internet Go has known a very spectacular development these years all around the world, and it's a good thing for the magazine to stay up-to-date about these new ways of playing and speaking about Go."

"Come on," interrupted Ueno-san, "The way you speak about my job feels like I'm some kind of spy." She turned fully toward Hikaru and added: "I'm very pleased to finally make your acquaintance. Akari-san has talked a lot about you. She said you used to play Go when you were younger?"

HIkaru nodded. "Yeah, I used to be pretty into it, but I almost never played outside my house."

"Don't lie! You actually were a big part of the Go club in middle school," chided Akari.

"Oh yeah, almost forgot about those times." He grinned. "That was the very beginning, when I had trouble to hold a stone correctly."

"You played online though. Had any handler with reasonably good stats back then? I have the habit to compile everything I can about Netgo players, so I may have heard of you?"

Hikaru couldn't picture himself telling about the handler sai, so he shook his head in denegation. "I was pretty average, I think."

"Beware; she's like an obsessive freak when she talks about internet legends. She might thoroughly annoy you if you let her!" Akari tugged lightly at his sleeve. "You'll have to draw the limit very soon, because I was told your desk happens to be just here!" She designated the piece of furniture placed alongside the wall, and indeed very close to Akari's and Ueno-san's desks. The way it was oriented would allow him to overlook the most of the open plan, with his back against the shelf and his computer screen away from prying eyes.

"Nice."

"I was sure it would please you." Akari was practically bouncing with cheerfulness. "Oh Hikaru! I'm so, so glad that you ended to work at the same place as me!"

The young man answered with a small, yet warm and genuine smile. Her sunny behaviour and radiating happiness were filling him with wonder. It was very childlike, but it was fitting the Akari he had always known. He still could picture her like this when they were both kids. She hadn't let anything rip off her exuding joie de vivre, and he could see that she was doing her best to share her optimism with people. Back then, the young Hikaru had been like this: cheerful, brash, and deeply believing that everyone was trying their best to make the world a better place for loved ones.

Life and hard times had since beaten some sense into his skull.

"Amano-san told me you'll be paired with him during your first month. There's a huge match in two day, so don't forget to charge up the battery of your camera."

o][o

Hikaru's mother was laying in her bed, seeming too small and too frail amongst the pillows and white sheets. He skin was pale, nearly translucent, letting shown wide, dark shadows around her eyes and blue veins running across her arms. Her eyes were smiling though, full of warmth and pleasure to see him. Hikaru had always wondered how he had failed to disappoint her with his choices, even when it had meant to leave her alone. True, he had chosen to leave for Australia when she had found someone to take care of her, but the decision had been so hard to take that he still felt the guilt gnawing at the back of his mind.

And now, he could not help but think it was the suffering she had been through that had given the cancer its devastating strength. Maybe if he had not left, she would have fought harder.

Thick rain batted on the window and the weak daylight conferred a rather gloomy atmosphere to the room. Hikaru was not very fond of hospitals, but he absolutely hated the department of palliative care. Everywhere, he could see death and hopelessness; in the eyes full of unshed tears of people walking blindly across the hallway; behind the always soft, unwavering smile of nurses and doctors who had seen too much to deeply care anymore; in the rhythmic, constant drip of the morphine draining away in his mother's blood like an ominous countdown.

Shindou Mitsuko was dying. The taut lines of her gaunt face were a testimony of the constant pain that seared in her flesh and bones. His mother was beyond tired, and to see her in this state put his mind into a raging, outraged state of mind. She had wanted to preserve him, and they had told him about her state only when the doctor had told them about her remaining lifespan. Short - so very short.

Hikaru's gaze flicked toward the third occupant of the room. The man seemed tired too. Genuinely worried. His haggard look and dishevelled state in this ever tidied man were speaking loud about his anguish. Hikaru knew on the intellectual level that Mori Seijuro was a good man, and was the best thing that had happened to his mother since her late husband had left her. But deeply, he was so angry they had chosen to keep him in the dark that he at times struggled to remain civil with him.

And it didn't help that a small voice in his head kept telling him he would have known sooner if he had visited more often.

Mori-san tilted his head in salutation with a tired smile, and bent to kiss Mitsuko on the forehead. "I think I'll go fetch me a coffee. See you later."

Hikaru settle himself in the chair near the window, and grabbed gently his mother hand. Her finger squeezed slightly his fingers, and he answered by a shaky smile.

This day, his mother seemed unusually alert, and her emaciated cheeks were coloured by a faint rosy hue. A stubborn liveliness was animating her eyes when she took in a rasped breath to speak.

"Are you well in your new home?"

He almost winced at the weakness of her voice, but kept a carefully open expression to mask his discomfort. "Yes Mom, I've almost finished to move all my things in. Few boxes are still at grandpa's place though."

She smiled, and it seemed to suddenly illuminate the room. "I'm so glad you've found a job so quickly."

"Thanks to Akari-chan."

"She's so sweet. Tell her to visit me some time; I'd like to thank her for taking care of you."

Hikaru winced. "I can take care of me perfectly, thank you."

"Yes, it's so easy at times to forget how my baby child has grown so much. I hope you'll meet soon a good girl to settle with."

"That's pretty far from my mind these days, you know," he answered with a wry smile.

She shrugged, and met squarely his eyes. "You'll get over it eventually, sweetie. Every child is bound to become an orphan one day."

"Why are you telling me this? It doesn't make things better."

"That's where you're wrong, and I learned that the hard way with your father's death. I think it would have been better to speak more about what happened. I made a mistake when I tried to pretend that nothing has changed much… But you coped, and I know today that you tried to cope for me as well." She shook her head, "I regret nothing, because that's what has made you the man you've become. I'm still marvelled at how well you turned out, and I still wonder where you found this inner strength."

Hikaru sighed. Each time he visited his mother, she tried to drag him into this conversation. She seemed to believe it would make her death easier, to put words on it before it had even happened.

It had been so different with his father. His death had hit them without any warning when Hikaru was in high school. An accident. A dumb, plain car wrack where the driver - his father - had lost control over the car. His mistress had been killed as well. They had been on unofficial holidays, when he had said Mitsuko and Hikaru that it was a business trip, like usual.

Sai -and Go- had been his way out the anguish brought by the pain and the humiliation. His father had never really be a part of the family, being always absent. But somehow, that had been making things twice harder when the neglect had been paired with obvious indifference for them.

"I had a really good friend back then." _But he left me, too._

"And Go? Will you get back to play? Even I can say you were really good at it. I spent so much time to watch you move these stones that I feel a bit nostalgic of those rainy afternoons when you would put the goban in the middle of the living room and start a game. Always alone, reproducing some past games, but you were so focused on it I swear you really were playing against some very tough opponent."

Hikaru looked at the window. A rainy afternoon, to cultivate our inner treasures. He had grown to appreciate the days when he couldn't go outside. Sai had taught him patience and dedication, and the capacity to take advantage of every moment.

And today, the moment was to be fully with his mother, not having his thoughts on the past.

"I wish… I wish I could do more for you, mom."

Mitsuko pated his son's hand. "Don't change anything Hikaru. You're there and I'm happy."

Hikaru nodded, and inwardly thought: _but soon, you won't be there for me anymore_.


End file.
